


Getting Peeved

by RonChee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Relationships, Dark Crack, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Other, Prank Wars, Pranks, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Self-Insert, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Shameless Smut, Smut, Some Humor, Suggestive Themes, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:02:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: An anthology or one-shot collection of stories on the one, the only, Peeves the Poltergeist, you'll laugh, you'll cry, and if you're anything like me you'll wonder why it hasn't been done before.
Relationships: peeves/everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Getting Peeved

**Author's Note:**

> As of writing this there are a grand total of 129 fics and 4 Crossover fics with Peeves listed as a character on FFN, and 291 on AO3, many of which he's a side-character as best, mere comic relief. 
> 
> Argus Flitch, the unlovable squib has more than that! 
> 
> The most hated character in Harry Potter, Dolores Umbridge is listed in more than double the fics of Peeves!
> 
> I don't care for that, not at all, in fact I'd say I'm downright Peeved.

"You look different Peevesy, new haircut?" A redheaded twin asked, I wasn't even going to try to figure out which was which.

"Do I?" I glanced down and accidentally flipped myself and.. kept flipping spinning faster and faster as I stopped trying to figure it out simply enjoying the intense speed I worked up the wind I was generating a bonus nearly blowing the Twins off their feet. 

"Yeah, you usually don't spin around like Dad's buzzy-saw." The other twin said.

"Also you're looking less pale and a little more solid which is weird." The final twin added in, how many were there again? 

"Huh. Wonder if someone's playing a prank on Peeves?" I asked aloud as I paused in my spinning and found benefit number 3 to being me, no getting dizzy. 1 was that I wasn't dead, though as far as self inserts went I'd have preferred a human. Of course benefit number 2 was no headaches as I'd assume I'd have if I went into just any head. Peeves gives headaches, he doesn't get them thank you very much. 

I was sure that it was a prank in fact though- why else would I end up as Peeves the Poltergeist in wee-little Harry Potter's first year?

"It wasn't us!" The Twins said in sync. 

"Yeah, I know you couldn't pull off a ghost on a prank or a prank on a ghost, otherwise you'd have driven Binns out of the castle by now." I said with a scoff hiding my grin as the twins got a familiar glint in their eyes that brought a tear to mine. Then again it was probably ectoplasm or some such, the important thing is... Wait, I didn't come here to set the Twins on taking out the garbage Binns!

"Hey, any chance I could buy a body off you by chance?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could. 

"Uh.. We only have our own bodies an they're not for sale-"

"Speak for yourself Fred, if the right Witch or coven of Witches wants to buy _my_ body they can!" 

"Right, forgot myself, we're only for sale to the fairer sex, and I don't think I'm old enough to go to Azkaban for grave robbing."

"I meant more making me a body but I like the cut of your jib. Still, if you're not interested I guess someone else will have to benefit from my centuries of pranking knowledge. Maybe the son of Prongs would be interested?" I wondered aloud. 

"Prongs had a Son!?" Was shouted in stereo. 

"Well, of course! A young buck like that, of course he had a Son, the surprising thing is he didn't have anymore because he caught a sudden case of dead." 

"Dead!? No say it isn't so!" A twin fell to his knees crying to the heavens. 

"You- You know who Prongs is? Please- tell us! We'll get you your body, ain't that right Fred?"

"Absolutely! Does it have to be fresh or human?" The Twin sprung up and seemed to get over that quickly I thought.

"I was thinking more along the lines of a transfiguration. No rush as long as you two promise to work on it- I don't know what it'll take for me to possess it or what will work though but in return... I know all the Marauders and some of their pranks..."

"We're in, tell us!" 

"Very well but I'd best do this properly, cop a squat, or sit down, lie down, I'll even accept a headstand if that's how you get off..." I waited till the boys gave up on trying to stand on their heads and lied down in their hidden laboratory, part of a tunnel leading out of Hogwarts.

"Our story begins with a painful irony, a lesson on why you must not tempt fate... A boy was born in the Lupin family and they named him Remus, two names that mean wolf, well, it was only a matter of time really... Magic and fate have a sick sense of humor, he was _bit_ by the fiercest Werewolf of all who shared Lupin's bad luck in names and in life, a beast by the name of Fenrir Greyback... Thankfully the Headmaster is insane, malicious or incompetent- truth is I don't know but he decided instead of saying no dogs allowed installed a tree for the wee pup to tinkle on, the Whomping Willow, and in the tree through a long tunnel accessible by pressing a knot on the tree lays a certain Shack that Shrieks, haunted not by ghosts but from the memory of the Werewolf's painful transformations. The boy thought he was all alone and would never make friends, but three pranksters would decide otherwise and bring him in on their shenanigans. Still he was sure he'd lose them again in no time flat if they found him out... Instead they learned to transform into animals to offer him comfort on those lonely painful nights- and to make their pranking career even more interesting. James Potter became a stag, Sirius Black a dog as loyal as could be... and remains so, unjustly locked up for another's crime, Peter Pettigrew framed him blowing up thirteen and cut up his finger and transforming to fake his death in the greatest prank of all."

"Merlin... Wait, I've seen Peter on the map!" 

"Yeah.. In.. In the castle!"

"Figures that rat is still around." I said with a scoff.

"Rat?"

"Scabbers you think?"

"Could be... Do you know Peeves?" 

"No, all rats look the same to me." I lied easily. 

"Right, thanks for this Peeves, we'll get you your body but first we've got a traitor to take care of and a Marauder to rescue."

I grinned, hello butterflies, you're looking lovely today. Why yes, I would love to dance with you! I did just that waltzing through the wall. 

"Think he's alright?" Fred or George asked.

"Eh, he's Peeves, I'm sure he's fine." 

* * *

I wasn't fine, in fact I was quite peeved at what had been meant to be a serious conversation turned into that. It should be expected, a thousand years of insanity versus a paltry pair of decades of near sanity? There was no contest what won, I was lucky that it could be considered a prank on ole' Wormtail and Peeves knowing that knowing what would happen in advance was boring so of course tossing in dog-wrench into the works killed not only two birds but a flock of them, but it beat eating rats.

Well, I imagine it did, I'd yet to eat a rat so I couldn't say. 

Still, I couldn't imagine them tasting _good_ , but well, I was curious.

"Professor Mc-G, tell me do you find rats tasty?" The class laughed but the Professor was not amused.

"Peeves, I've no time for your nonsense today-"

"Fine, I guess I'll ask the Twins for a nibble once they catch the illegal rat animagus Peter Pettigrew." I said with a pout, frantic whispers breaking out. 

"What? Wait- Peeves get back here!" I didn't of course, what could she do? I scoffed entering the girl's loo. 

"You! What are you doing here?"

"Hello Myrtle, wanna go on an adventure?" I decided spur on the moment, I'd wanted to perv on some seventh years but an adventure sounded nice too. 

"I- I don't- you .. Why, what?"

I shrugged, "Spur of the moment, seems that's all I do- wish I could seem to plan more than five minutes ahead, but I suppose that's why I need someone like you." 

"I.. This isn't, you aren't making fun of me are you?"

"Nope, but don't worry, only the future of the Wizarding World is in danger if you reject me." I admitted uncaringly. Might be fun to watch the world burn really- what was I doing here again?

"You're just having me on! Make fun of miserable moaning Myrtle, make her mad- wouldn't that be funny!"

"Not really but I can see where I'm not wanted, when Tom Riddle loses his nose and rises from the dead as Voldemort don't blame me." I said only slightly amused at how pole-axed she looked and with a shrug I swan dived into a toilet splashing Myrtle giving her a taste of her own medicine, I never handled rejection well.

I was glad I did too, going through the pipes was like a roller coaster, a stinky smelly roller coaster tis true but one none the less, though it couldn't be healthy that I'd ended up in the lake I didn't much care.

Then I saw my first mermaid and grinned at the size of the rack on her, and without conscious thought I started humming the Jaws theme song slowly changing form with a shark-like grin suddenly in the mood for fish, I made sure my teeth were none to sharp and starting on my feast finding the taste delicious.

* * *

Omake: 

Victor Krum staggered the the shore a half a dozen spears in his body wondering why lake-locked Mermaids seemed to hate sharks so intensely. 


End file.
